Frequency and Time

“I believe that frequency and quality of sex affects our attitudes, our stress levels, our coping abilities, and ultimately our success in life on a daily basis….”  
“…Fantastically freshly renovated marriages based on their fulfillment and pleasure. These gals are having a kick-ass time with their men. They brag to each other about their great sex. And they include their husbands in every aspect of their journey toward fulfillment. Their husbands are thrilled and proud of their ability to add to their wives’ happiness and they all love the great ass they get on a regular basis.”  mama gena
4. Don’t settle for quickies.
We don’t know why anyone ever thought rushing sex was OK.
“Sexplay isn’t something you want to rush.  Nor is it simply a means to an end.  Get rid of the idea that there’s some place you have to get to.”  Married Lust book quotes
                   “Creating a sense of abundance around sex changes everything….from a sense of lack to a sense of abundance around sex, which immediately triggered a deluge of love, altruism and gratitude that changed everything about our relationship.” or
It means a fairly wide definition of “sex”
The last of those is critical for this to work. If you have the time for an hour or so of love making every day, more power to you – most folks are far too busy. Sex can be anything from most of Saturday afternoon, a quickie, or something you do to him in the shower. It can (and should) mean climax for both of you when you so desire, but it can also be just for him if you’re not particularly interested or just for you. This is actually a sticking point for some men because they get weird about sex just for them. If you run into this explain you enjoy sex in many ways, and orgasm is not always required.

When your sex feels anxious, rushed, or boring, you may feel alienated from each other, not to mention angry. This is a common problem that can build into major frustration and dissatisfaction if it goes unresolved for too long.
                    When life gets to be too much—when you and your husband are at each other because the fridge went on the fritz, your three-year-old bit his buddy at school, or even the bigger stuff—if you lean toward intimacy, instead of away from it, you get back to the good life that much quicker.” or
“”I wanted more hugs and cuddling and he wanted more sex.  So we made a deal.  One night we have some form of sex.  The next we just cuddle or I get a short massage.  This way my hubby no longer feels rejection on his nights and I feel no pressure on mine.”  Their solution works because it attempts  – and seems to succeed – at striking a balance between both spouses’ emotional and physical needs.  After all, men and women do have the same need to connect with each other, even if it expresses itself differently at times….Note that she did not say they had “great sex” every other night.  She did not even say they had “total, top-to-bottom, start-to-finish sex” every other night.  She only said that they had “some form of sex” and as you’ve probably figured out by now, that’s the bone your husband is looking for.  It may be a quickie.  It may be a hj or a bj.”  from Married Lust (book)
    Don’t say this: ”There are more important things than sex. Can we just get it over with?”
[also, don’t make your partner feel like you want to get it over with.]
    We all remember that cringe-worthy scene in the Sex & the City movie when Miranda urges Steve to finish because they have to get up early. Why did it make our skin crawl? Probably because we’ve thought it ourselves more times than we care to admit. 
    But while mismatched sex drives are normal, sex therapist and expert Vanessa Marin says fighting about sex can put a marriage in trouble. 
    “Most couples have different approaches to intimacy, so sex can become a source of contention and an awkward conversation,” Marin says. “Couples need to talk about sex, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable it can feel. I advise couples to be upfront with each other about their communication struggles.”
    Say this: ”I’m exhausted right now, but I’ve been thinking about the scene I saw in Scandal last week. I want you to surprise me with something dirty after the kids are at practice.”  It’s okay that you’re busy and you’re not always in the mood, but if you open up a window for intimacy in the near future, he won’t feel shut out. 
    “Sex isn’t just about having an orgasm—it’s one of the most important ways we express our love and affection for our partners,” Marin says. “We all have so many other responsibilities that it can be easy to undervalue sex, but making time to prioritize that alone time will keep you connected longer.”   Redbookmag dot com/love-sex/relationships/advice/a10765/worst-words-in-a-marriage/
        “Sex keeps a couple connected and keeps a relationship moving forward—progressing and evolving. Not having sex keeps a relationship stuck, or worse, kicks it headlong into a tailspin.” or

“You’ll both have more fun if you think of it as sex play and make it about discovering and enjoying each other, not just reaching the finish line.”
“I’ve always known that we get along better when we’re having lots of sex….
Basically, sex arms you with positive vibes towards your partner….
Sex can fix:
a big blowup
general crankiness
a lagging libido
the lure of temptation
stress freakouts
body blahs
kid overload”
Source: Redbook magzine article; www.archive. org/stream/Redbook2011-03/Redbook%202011-03_djvu.txt

                Here’s what I’ve discovered: Taking the time to have sex with your husband on a regular basis (even if it’s just an occasional quickie) will benefit your relationship more than almost anything else you could do instead—especially unloading the dishwasher.” or
“Not only have Jenny and Will found a wonderful blend of eroticism and intimacy, they have recognized they can do a lot of sexy things besides having his penis enter her vagina.”  from Secrets Of Happily Married Women
    I’m sexually frustrated, and not in the way that you think. My sexual frustration is that I am sick of hearing these ads [in Australia] for nasal technology that allows your partner to maintain his erection longer. Every single time I hear that, and I mean every single time, I think, “Who would want it to last longer? It lasts too long as it is!”
    Yes, I have officially become Miranda in the first Sex & the City movie. She and Steve are having sex for the first time in months and he keeps trying to last longer. She says, “Let’s just get it over with” and he gets upset, walks out of the room and eventually cheats.
    I’m not as bad as Miranda, I’m not, and I enjoy having sex with my husband but I enjoy it more if it’s quick, efficient and gets the job done. Then I can move on to the millions of other things I have to think about and do.
    It didn’t occur to me that I had a problematic sex life until I spoke to someone who had only been married 4 years to my 15. I’ve always thought I had a really healthy sex life.  My husband and I love each other and have sex most nights, and sometimes in the mornings. What’s the big deal if we get in and get out quickly and efficiently?
    Well, according to my newly married friend (anything under 5 years is ‘newly married’ to me) she says we’re not really making love, we’re not really savouring each other, we’re just having sex. I actually rolled my eyes when she said ‘savouring’ and that’s when I realised I might have a problem.
    My husband and I used to take one hour on average to have sex/make love. Now it’s 15 minutes max, we do things in the same order and only have long, adventurous sex after date nights, every couple of months. But I just don’t have time to have sex that lasts this long on a regular basis. There’s too much to do and we get too little sleep in the first place.
    We’re both happy and satisfied, or are we? Have we gotten too used to inadequate sex? Is it my fault that it is rushed? Do we have a problem and if so, what on earth am I meant to do about it?
Definition: “Sexual activity” does not mean sexual intercourse. Well, not strictly. Anything you do of a sexual or sensual or pampering nature can be considered sexual activity.  Mistress Ivey

One thought on “Frequency and Time

  1. While I appreciate you referencing my post, your use of almost half of my article violates my copyright policy and website courtesy. Please decrease the excerpt to more than a third (386 words) of the original post and provide the link should anyone wish to read the rest. Thank you so much for taking care of this! All the best.


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